STUDY WITH ALFONS

I found an interesting comment by Ira Feinstein, Managing Director at Feldenkrais Access, in the blog post / interview / course advertisement titled “Walking Patterns & Your Knees” on the website of Feldenkrais Access, from February 16, 2023:

“I read all of Moshe’s books in my late twenties, but I could only read a page or two at a time without falling asleep. I don’t think I was ready for the information and needed to take it piecemeal.”

I found this a refreshingly honest sharing by Ira Feinstein, and quite similar to my own story:

In Austria, in middle school, we had to read and discuss classic German literature, starting around the age of 12. Really old and hard to make-sense-of texts from bards long gone, but also smooth flowing novels from Hermann Hesse, Goethe, Schiller, Franz Kafka, Stefan Zweig and the likes. By the age of 17 I was reading Wittgenstein, Nietzsche, Wilhelm Reich, Carl Jung, CW Leadbeater, Rudolf Steiner and books like Gödel, Escher, Bach by Douglas Hofstadter for pleasure.

Btw, I never read Hermann Hesse’s Steppenwolf, but at that time I somewhat enjoyed reading Siddharta, a glimpse into the world of mainstream thinking. Most fascinating, however, I found Hesse’s Beneath the Wheel (The Prodigy), a terrible coming-of-age story that severely criticises academic institutions. I probably should have not followed that up with Ödön von Horváth’s “Jugend ohne Gott”, The Age of the Fish for the English Edition. It’s too much for a teenager.

After having gotten tired of literature, religion and the critique thereof, I learned that it was William Shockley who invented the bipolar junction transistor, the basis for modern microchips. I read that the crucial idea came upon him while commuting to work on a ferry boat in New York. I found this fascinating. I didn’t know anything about electronics at that time and decided to go study the craft and mathematics involved at the University of Applied Sciences of Vienna.

I, too, was already 30 years old when I first stumbled upon the work of Moshé Feldenkrais, by accident. And I agree with Ira Feinstein, I found most of Moshé Feldenkrais’s books difficult to read. Some of them boring and long winded, some of them hard to grasp, and some of them hopelessly outdated in the year 2004.

The book I liked most was, “Awareness Through Movement.“ The first part made a lot of sense to me. It felt like an honest sharing, with a sense of practicality. However, the second part, the one with the actual exercises, I couldn’t read much sense into it, let alone try what was suggested. Take this dense blob of a paragraph for example:

“In this lesson you will learn to recognize some of the fundamental properties of the control mechanisms of the voluntary muscles. You will find that about thirty slow, light, and short movements are sufficient to change the fundamental tonus of the muscles, that is, the state of their contraction before their activation by the will. Once the change of tonus is effected, it will spread to the entire half of the body containing the part originally worked on. An action becomes easy to perform and the movement becomes light when the huge muscles of the center of the body do the bulk of the work and the limbs only direct the bones to the destination of the effort.” From the book Awareness Through Movement, Moshé Feldenkrais, Lesson 3, Some Fundamental Properties of Movement

Maybe that’s the kind of verbiage that made Ira Feinstein feel sleepy, too. I myself I just couldn’t dig into it. I had a foot-tall pile of books by and about Feldenkrais in my study but couldn’t work my way through it. It felt even more inaccessible than Analog signal processing back at University. So in order to get the task done I did some research, found out who could help me understand, and then out of necessity and lack of better options I signed up for a 4-year Feldenkrais training—to get access to the original materials and be walked through the material by people who have been studying this stuff for decades already.

At first it felt like a defeat. Me, a snowboarder and skateboarder, a talented mover, needs to take slow movement classes in a retirement home just to understand a bunch of books? In Germany? I went through a whole inner process to get myself to sign-up. Furthermore, due to the high price of the training and the large time investment there was a lot to arrange. Just to understand a bunch of books. Ridiculous. But right upon entering the training venue and seeing the way and quality in which students moved, in which the trainer at the time (Paul Newton) was teaching, in a split second everything in me was consolidated: I made the right choice, I knew I was in the right place.

So this was my beginning of movement-based learning. A whole new category to dive into, again. It was like starting to study German literature or Telecommunication technology all over again. And after a couple of years of studying— my reading, commenting and criticising of Moshé Feldenkrais’s books became easy. In fact, I even started to teach in this field, and to write about my findings and my own understanding.

I think the two decades of studying and working with Feldenkrais’s and related teachings, with others and on my own, did not only broadened my horizon, but it practically changed me. A lot. Not only in the way I moved, but almost in an anthropological kind of sense: it improved the way I speak, see and interact with others, the way I interact with the environment, the way I see the world, the things I do and the way I do things … it improved me and gave me a basis for my own work, my own teachings, my own creating. It gave me a means to connect with other people, to give and to receive, to heal and to grow, together.

Feldenkrais spoke a lot about the inferiority complex and how to make ourselves feel safe. Which reminds me of Alfred Adler, who wrote that contributing to others is how individuals feel a sense of worth and belonging in the family and society. And Viktor Frankl, who said that striving to find a meaning in one’s life is the primary motivational force in humans, a will to meaning in contrast to the pleasure principle. Oh, and here we are again, Freud and Dostoyevsky, Immanuel Kant, Friedrich Nietzsche, the whole bunch, the great loom, all in the rolling of a leg, in turning the head a bit to one side and back to the center, and then the shoulder girdle, and the eyes, and what does the hip do? And then take a short rest, and see how it feels.

When I first started to use the Internet—around the year 1995—blogging was about sharing personal experiences, insights, discoveries. A blog was a collection of such sharing. It was lively, passionate, personal. It was like exploring unchartered land. Reading as well as writing blogs meant stepping into the unknown, it was wild, exciting, wonderful.

Fast forward to 2023, and I have the impression that a whole lot of blogs should be renamed to “sales pitch”, and most newsletters to “sales letters.” In my mind a “mailing list” is synonymous with “a list of people to advertise to.” Nothing wrong with that, but If they would title their writings to what they truly were then the world would be a better place.

Am I the only one who is tired of all the mislabeling? My soul cannot take it no more. It’s getting too much. And why are so many people ok with that? This kind of indifference makes me feel disconnected from society, it makes me feel like I’m living on an alien planet amongst an alien species. Am I the only human who longs for truth, sincerity, who longs to live in a world where we can expect everyone to be honest and take our fellow humans by their word?

So here you have it. My latest musings from my blog. It’s not a sales pitch.

I remember a cold winter day in January 2018. It was late afternoon and an icy wind was sweeping through the city of Vienna, Austria. I stepped into one of Vienna’s famous coffee shops in the city center.

At that time I was already 44 years old but once again enrolled at the University of Vienna. I already had a university degree in telecommunication and biomedical engineering, I already had my own business, and I couldn’t care less about another degree. I didn’t have any of the anxiety and submissiveness of my very young, fellow students. This time I was enrolled to study Chinese language, culture, modern history and literature. It was my 3rd semester and my 10th year of studying Chinese language. This journey started in the year 2008, in Shanghai, China, where I was enrolled in the prestigious Jiaotong University as a foreign student to study Chinese language as a foreigner.

Winter 2018. 10 years of studying and I was still unable to follow a simple conversation. Unable to speak, unable to read, and my handwriting was still that of a 3-year old.

Yet, that cold winter day—like most days—I ordered a hot green tea matcha almond milk latte, found a place to sit, and started to write my Chinese characters.

Now it’s 5 years later. It’s the year 2023 and I’m still unable to listen, speak and write in Chinese language. I’m still studying, but on my own; with Youtube, Mandarin Corner, and ChatGPT. I gave up on studying with Chinese language teachers, of which I had dozens. And as things stand, it still seems unlikely that l’ll be able to teach in Chinese language without a translator any time soon. It seems to be a distant dream for me to connect with my Chinese speaking students directly, in their own language. But I have this dream, and to paraphrase Rich Piana: one day I might. There’s something about pursuing this dream, about sitting down to read, listen and write that makes me calm, collected and happy.

What is a dream? 梦想是什么？梦想就是一种让你感到坚持，就是幸福的东西。A dream is something that makes us happy when we strive to achieve it.

On Monday evening I was hit by a motorbike. I headed out on my own small motorbike to pick up my friend after work. We were about the turn into the parking lot of a popular rooftop Bar-Restaurant at the other side of the street, here in Ho Chi Minh City, South of Vietnam, when we were hit by an accelerating motorbike. The other driver came from the other side of the road, went from parking to full throttle, didn’t look out, crashed into my left side.

It’s bewildering how time slows down in such moments. My first reaction was to let go of my motorbike’s handle bar, drop the motorbike and jump off to safe myself. But then something inside of me said, hold it, your friend is sitting in the back, you can’t drop the motorbike. You need to hold it stable.

What a strange thing, sacrificing oneself for the safety of someone else. No regrets, no second thoughts, but indeed very strange to feel this primal connection to the monkey brain so clearly.

I think my sacrifice was very worth it though. My friend said if I had not pulled up and recovered my motorbike from falling, then it would have crushed her lower leg, very likely would have broken it. Also, she would have fallen onto the street. She said we were very lucky because the street was very busy with hundreds of other motorbikes and lorries and cars, but in the very moment of the crash there was no other vehicles passing by. My Vietnamese friend, my neighbour, who has been in an almost deadly motorbike accident merely 5 years ago, where a passing truck almost rolled over her head, missing her head only because she lifted it away in the very last second.

My friend, her legs were so shaky she could hardly stand or walk over to the side-walk, and was awake for most of the night, but she was unharmed, not a scratch. I asked the other driver to move back to the parking on the other side of the street and discuss this over, exchange contacts. That’s where I collapsed. During the accident I didn’t fall and I didn’t hit my head, but the overall hard impact of the motorbike crash must have rattled something inside of me. The world went blurry like the backdrop of a photograph. Everything became muffled, moved into a distance. My legs gave in. I could feel my friend and the other driver trying to hold me up. The color profile switched to a warm cozy brown and red. I felt warm and save. I was thinking, “Is this the end? Is it finally over? It feels nice. It’s so peaceful.”

X-ray showed no bones were broken. My left arm felt painful but there was no visible damage. I felt a big relief. Now, almost a week after the accident the bruises are crusted over, the pain in my left foot, left lower arm, left wrist and left side of my hip is largely gone. My motorbike is fixed as well. And there might be a chance that I get reimbursed for my expenses, by the other driver.

I didn’t tell my brother or my mom any of this. No need to worry them, it all ended well. The reason why I write this blog post is this:

In the night after the accident there’s something strange I’ve noticed in my left arm: when I tried to turn it there was some clicking noise. Some crackling, as if the bones were not connected properly. During the night I worried that my radius bone might be broken, which luckily turned out not to be the case as confirmed by the doctor. But later that day I noticed the same phenomenon in my right shoulder, and then in both feet and both knees. A crackling, a clicking, when I moved. It was as if the tensioning network of my tendons and muscles got loose. As if the strings that held my bones and joints together were loose. I felt my joints became loose like the legs of my IKEA chairs. I took a long rest.

Another day later the clicking of my joints and bones was gone, apart from some tender spots everything was back to normal. The miracle of the human body. I’m not sure what to make of it, but it seems like the tensioning of my bio-tensegrity network that holds my skeleton in place is not genetic and not mechanically fixed, but entirely done and upheld dynamically. Done either by the brain, or by some chemicals or hormones or adrenalin or something.

Interesting. For the duration of one day I had the impression that the human body is just a bag of bones that are held together by soft tissue, best practice and good will. Nothing is set in stone.

Mid Februar I had the idea for my first video for March. I wanted it to be about Feldenkrais-inspired body scans. I got down on the floor and also started to review my material on my laptop and compared it to the work of other Feldenkrais teachers and Yoga and Mindfulness teachers and also started to write a blog post and the blog post became longer and longer just like this sentence and at one point progress slowed and became laborious and then development on both the blog post and the lesson ground to a halt, half-finished it came to a complete STOP.

So- March 4th. This morning I stumbled over a video about neck movements, the drills—he called it drills—rather fiercely executed and brutal, but people love it. 3.3 million views and much praise in the comments. People like to handle themselves ruff it seems. Maybe that’s why my Youtube channel appears to be shadow-banned. Am I too gentle for the masses?

Anyways- this fiercely executed row of neck movements inspired me to make a series of short videos for the neck myself. I’ll design a number of short sequences and practice them for myself for a couple of days, then teach them, then see if it might become a row of videos. I guess. Let’s see.

Meanwhile- I opened up ChatGPT to see how well it can write about human anatomy. Turns out, I’ve had quite a pleasant chat with ChatGPT about anatomy. The little essays it writes for responses, lovely.

Me: How is the lower arm connected to the upper arm in humans?

ChatGPT: The lower arm (forearm) is connected to the upper arm through two joints: the elbow joint and the radioulnar joint.

The elbow joint is a hinge joint that connects the humerus bone of the upper arm with the radius and ulna bones of the lower arm. This joint allows for flexion and extension movements, which allow you to bend and straighten your arm.

The radioulnar joint is located just below the elbow joint and connects the radius and ulna bones of the lower arm with each other. This joint allows for rotational movements, which allow you to turn your palm up (supination) or down (pronation).

Together, these two joints provide the necessary range of motion and stability for the arm to perform a wide range of activities, such as lifting, throwing, and grasping objects.

Me: Explain to me the radioulnar joint in plain English

ChatGPT: The radioulnar joint is where the two bones in your lower arm (forearm), the radius and ulna, meet each other. This joint allows you to rotate your forearm so that your palm faces up (supination) or down (pronation). For example, when you turn a doorknob, you use your radioulnar joint to rotate your forearm. The joint is important for many activities that involve using your hands and arms.

Me: Whats more important for lower arm rotation, the wrist or the radioulnar joint?

ChatGPT: Both the wrist and the radioulnar joint play important roles in lower arm rotation, but the radioulnar joint is primarily responsible for rotation, while the wrist provides support and stability.

The radioulnar joint allows for pronation and supination, which are important movements for many daily activities, such as using a screwdriver, opening a jar, or typing on a keyboard. The wrist, on the other hand, allows for flexion, extension, and lateral movements, which are also important for many tasks, but not as crucial for lower arm rotation.

So while both the wrist and the radioulnar joint are important for the function of the lower arm, the radioulnar joint is more critical for rotation.

Other stuff I asked: Which one is the radius and which one is the ulna? Where does the name ulna come from? Does Mickey Mouse have ulna bones too? And so forth.

So- there you have it. I finished a blog post. The spell is broken. I release all that is holding me down. I deliver myself from all negative conditions. I am loved. I am accepted. I am complete and approve of myself. The journey continues.

“Anything you think is influencing you. So many of the health people believe you are what you eat, and I believe you are what you think.” Said André Bernard, the educator, in an interview printed in the book Ideokinesis, A Creative Approach to Human Movement & Body Alignment.

Which reminds me of something I once wrote on my Instagram. I most always eat plant-based, so I wrote “They say you are what you eat, therefore… I’m a vegetable.” I thought that’s funny. But am I really a bowl of steamed rice, a block of tofu? Am I a carrot?

To what degree does what we eat (and how we eat, and when, and where, and with whom etc) define us, and to what degree does thinking do the same thing? I like to think, just as it is with food, the answers come when getting more specific. And because we know so much about food it should be easy to draw comparisons:

How is the taste of the following thought, taken from the book Ideokinesis: “The shoulder blades are floating like boats down the river”? Interesting? Bland? What is its nutritional value? Should we eat it often, that is repeat it often, like an affirmation? How about I say Up instead of Down, “The shoulder blades are floating like boats UP the river”? It’s just a small change in one ingredient, but maybe a big change for the overall dish, thought and effect? How about I remove the direction altogether, and say “The shoulder blades are floating like boats anchored at the shore of the ocean, gently rising and falling with each wave”?

I’ve just spent 1.5 hours to write an introductory text to my latest video. I’ll show the text on a card for 2 seconds at the very beginning of the video. Here’s the text:

This movement class is based on the idea that learning back extension in early childhood development is a prerequisite for humans to get into upright standing.
However, over the years of adult life, in a world of compulsory schooling and office jobs that require sitting and slouching over tables for 12+ hours a day, our learning efforts and settled patterns from early childhood might get partially lost, muddied or disturbed—and thus might cause all sorts of troubles concerning posture, breathing, joint health, lower back mechanics, etc.

Furthermore these important early childhood patterns might not be improved by overly simplistic strength training and stretching interventions.

Instead, an elaborate internal review in movement, in a movement sequence with steps that logically built on top of each other, that include your sensing, thinking and well-being, might indeed improve your ability to consciously produce upright standing that is in alignment with our human bio-mechanical, neurological and social built.

Not just as a bonus, but as a prerequisite for learning, I designed this class to feel good, safe and mmm wonderful. I hope to inspire you to study yourself by yourself more, in movement, with joy and curiosity, like you did when you were 0-2 years old. This is my idea for this class. I wish you all the best, and kindly ask to consider supporting my work for the greater good, by becoming my patron, Alfons.

Now I’ve also spent another hour to format the text on a card, and I wonder whether or not I should format some words to be bold—so that the words can jump out to the viewer. My guess is that the text will not be read in its entirety, but maybe a few bold words could set a mood. But which words are the most important? In lack of a life partner or friend I could bother with this question I went on to trouble ChatGPT:

Upright: This word is important because the text discusses the importance of upright standing and how it is a prerequisite for humans.

Childhood: This word is important because the text talks about how learning back extension in early childhood development is essential for humans to achieve upright standing.

Posture: This word is important because the text explains how the lack of early childhood development patterns can cause troubles concerning posture and how an elaborate movement sequence might improve upright standing in alignment with human bio-mechanical and neurological built.

Movement: This word is important because the entire text revolves around the idea of an elaborate internal review in movement and how it can help improve upright standing.

Curiosity: This word is important because the text encourages readers to study themselves more in movement with joy and curiosity, like they did when they were 0-2 years old.

Not the worst choice, I guess. Can the advise of a computer be almost as good as asking a human friend? I was born in a time without Internet, without color TV, with a phone line that had to be shared with 3 neighbours. And now there’s an electronic entity I can talk to and ask for advise. I’ll just go with that, too, I guess.